Beat the Odds: Essential Conversations For Couples Abroad
House Of Peregrine (01:03)
Hello everyone and welcome back to today's episode. I'm sharing with you today a short clip from my TEDx talk from November 2024 called, Can Blockchain Be Used To Decode The Future Of Economics? Don't let the title fool you. My talk is less about tech and more about something deeply missing in our chain of value in the world economy. This story begins for me in the bank with a flash of clarity that changed everything I thought I knew about fairness, family and financial safety.
episodes, we've talked a lot about invisible labor, the shifting dynamics of partnership, and how culture, caregiving, and career all collide when you're living international lives. Time and again, the same truth keeps emerging. We need to have these conversations before we're in crisis and before the work is done, before the burnout, before the resentment, before we are financially ruined or in a tough relationship.
or in a tough spot with our visa for not asking the hard questions and coming together with our values sooner. This clip is for anyone who's ever wondered if love alone can protect you from financial vulnerability or who's realized too late that a shared household doesn't automatically mean shared security or economic prosperity. And that is actually how the system is set up. We're sharing this not to place blame or cause panic or cause division in relationship, but to invite reflection.
I've had so many dear friends go through the pain of having someone they once thought was forever be fine with them financially ruined because they put all of their time value into the household while the other was building their resume. With no remuneration for household contribution and care work, a new kind of value paradigm is needed. And I am very passionate about finding ways to honor the many kinds of work it takes to build a life and a society together.
It's not just okay to talk about money and value when times are good, it is essential. No one would work for a company without first talking about compensation. And I would urge you, especially if you are considering a move abroad as a family or a couple, to discuss how value is rewarded and earned in your own household. Here's that moment from the TEDx stage.
House of Peregrine (03:17)
Have you ever had a moment of clarity so strong that it changed your life path forever? Mine happened in a minivan of all places while I was taking my children to preschool. They were all bundled up in their car seats. my God, so cute. And I had just sent my partner off to run a company that started at our kitchen table and was now flourishing. Obviously, I felt so lucky.
I got to stay at home with my kids. So why was I so angry? It all came together in a flash. Suddenly, I felt betrayed. I also felt foolish. Most of the time I was spending was invisible, even to myself, until it wasn't. My partner and I had signed up to share the load of the household, and until that moment, I thought,
we were.
the anger suddenly began to make sense. It was a direct result of feeling unsafe and unseen financially, and it was ruining my mental health and my marriage. I knew something needed to change drastically and fast. It was shortly after that that we packed up everything and moved to Amsterdam to reassess our agreements and find a new way forward together. Tonight, I want to talk to you
about financial safety and the undue burden of financial burden placed on women and our economy. A few months before that fateful moment in the minivan, we bought a house. We both went to the bank to get a loan. After a few moments, the bank loan guy said to me, you don't work? Somewhat defensively, I said to him,
I take care of the house and the children." Quickly he answered, OK, great. It's better if we leave you off the loan. Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. How did I, the most independent woman anyone knew, become a financial liability despite working night and day? No one else seemed to be concerned. Most told me I should just feel lucky. So I did.
I doubled down on gratitude and tried to move on. A few months later, my best friend, who also happens to be my sister, confided in me. She felt like something wasn't adding up for her as a mother and an elementary school teacher. I nodded along as she described some of the very same conflicts I was having with my own partner and within myself. What was going on? I began drawing on a napkin.
It looked something like this. You can see both partners have the same 24 hours in a day. That's how it starts out anyway. It turns out they don't give you more time when you have a baby or begin a household. The key becomes who is getting paid for their time.
In my case, my partner was contributing a lot of money and a little bit of time. For me, it was a lot of time and a little bit of money. Combined, it made the whole of our household work. But you can see, if for any reason we no longer shared a household, time invested would not convert to personal financial gain. There's only one name on the paycheck. Everything else
is invisible. As I left coffee that day, I began to realize that becoming a mother and starting a household are two of the most dangerous things a woman can do financially. I want you to raise your hand if anything I'm saying resonates.
What I have learned from having similar coffees with people from around the world is that at first it feels like you should have known better. Then the anger begins to build within the couple. But it is all this is understandable actually just so you know it's understandable but it's not the whole story. It turns out it is also a result of how we value things in our economy.
Here, you can see a simplified sketch of our economic system. You can see that it has three different entities, government, businesses, and households. Here is what I was realizing. I was, in fact, running an entity within the economy, yet I couldn't afford to buy a house. Economics is often referred to as the science of self-interest.
It assumes that everyone is always acting in their own best interest to amplify their own financial value. Does this sound like you? Yeah, me neither. Interestingly enough, it has been a recent wave of female economists that have helped us reimagine our economy as less like this drawing and more like an ecosystem, like our planet. Much like
The cost of oil production fails to account for the cost of its reliance on our environment. Our economic models fail to account for household labor, yet depend on it. As recent Nobel Prize laureate Claudia Golden so eloquently illustrates, the world runs on women. In the other two pillars of our economy, business and government,
Contracts and laws are used to create financial safety.
House Of Peregrine (09:32)
Thanks so much for listening. I know this topic can stir up lot of fear, regret, and maybe even some shame. After all, we just want to enjoy our romantic partners, and that's okay. I want to give perspective and a framework for starting these conversations so you can go back to enjoying life and living with more financial surety. These conversations aren't always easy, but they are incredibly powerful. They open the door to deeper understanding, mutual respect, and shared.
responsibility. If today's clip resonated with you, I invite you to share it with a friend, a partner or someone you trust. Let it be the start of a conversation, not about blame, but about clarity, care and honoring all that goes into building a life together. You can find the full TEDx talk on YouTube. Just search, can blockchain be used to decode the future of And we'll link it in the show notes below.
If you're navigating these questions in your own relationship or considering a move abroad with your family, I have created a guide for you with all the agreements you will need before making big changes in your relationship, especially if you're moving abroad. House of Peregrine is the network for those that move. Please join us at houseofperegrine.com slash auth slash sign up for more guides, connections, and experts for your life abroad and